Day 177

It's just one of those days you know? I'm not even sure what kick started my mood...but there it was...and here it stayed.

When I woke up I didn't really want to get out of bed, and knowing that I was forcing myself to do Jazzercise today wasn't helping me sit up any quicker...but eventually I did, and I ended up downstairs earlier than usual. Nothing was really wrong this morning...I think what put me in a mood was the homework. As usual. I just hate not being able to have fun with the boys. It really gets to me. In turn, I get in a bad mood, I get angry with them easily, and it doesn't make for a very nice morning for them.

We were out the door and on our way to school without any delays...like I said, there wasn't really any problem. I started talking to them about how much I hate that they do their homework in the mornings, and explained that it stresses me out, and that I don't like being stressed, cuz then I'm in a bad mood, and I end up sending them off to school unhappy. - Something I hate doing - Well, I thought this would help them understand, but Zach immediately started talking back. Saying I didn't ALWAYS do their homework with them in the mornings. He said his Mom does it with him a lot. Well...that was the wrong thing to say. Considering it's always me helping the other boys, this got to me. It's not that I don't like hearing them read, or seeing them spell things correctly...I just don't like having to rush through it all in the mornings. Anyways, he was making silly comments, and wouldn't stop. Even when I'd try to explain something, he'd interrupt and was having the last word. Then Nathaniel, thinking he'd be funny, joined in. Not cool! This instantly made my mood plummet. I told them I'd just stop speaking to them. If they didn't treat me better, and learn how to speak to me properly, then I wouldn't speak to them. After the words left my mouth I realized I wasn't being fair. Josh hadn't done anything wrong. Aside from having to do his homework in the morning, and stalling on the reading front, he hadn't been rude to me or anything. Things were quiet as we continued to walk, and the other two were a head of us, so I turned to him knowing he thought he was in trouble as well, and I thanked him for behaving. I got the feeling he thought he'd misunderstood me, because he asked me to repeat myself. I did. We walked the rest of the way to school, and I only spoke to Nathaniel once when I had to show him how to get the dog shit off of his shoe.

Zach had asked me to hang on to his school bag (which I do most days) because it was heavy, but today, I ignored him. Josh had took it from him in the playground for a minute, but I asked him to give it back to him. I told him that I might do nice things for Zach if he started treating me better. Josh seemed to understand and handed it back. Nathaniel and Zach sat talking on the bench in front of Nathaniel's class, and as we were early Josh stood and spoke to me for a bit. He asked if I was going to his grandparents with them this evening for dinner, and when I said no he asked me why I don't go anymore. I explained that I figure because I'm always the one that has to tell them off, they're probably sick of me by the time Tuesday rolls around, and they'd probably like some time away from me. He told me that wasn't true, and to my surprise said "You don't tell me off that much anyway". I smiled and said "That's cuz you do what your told more now". It was so nice to hear that he doesn't think I'm an ogre. He said bye to me, and went off to his class.

I said bye to Nathaniel, and brought Zach to his class. He asked me again if I'd hold his bag. I ignored him and brought him to the line up. I stood there waiting for him to go in, and Nathaniel ran up saying his water bottle spilt all down his coat. I asked him how it happened and he told me he was just drinking it, so I asked if he had a hole in his lip. He didn't understand. I was laughing at him, but then I got serious. He went to get the lid for the water bottle, and I held the bottle upside down. Nothing was coming out. I handed it back to him, and he put the plastic lid back on the spout. He began walking away and I called him back. I told him he better start treating me better, and not talking back so much or there would be more mornings in which I would not be speaking to him. He said ok, and off he went.

I stood back where I had been, waiting for Zach's class to go in. Almost in tears for not liking who I become some days, for not wanting to be here, and for all of the other thoughts running through my head, I stood and attempted to keep a straight face. Zach turned and smiled at me, but when I didn't smile back, his disappeared, and he went into class. :( Someone tapped me on the shoulder, asked if I was Maija, and gave me a huge thing of cookie cutters to carry home. "Great" I thought..."Guess I'm walking home before going to Jazzercise". I don't know what stopped me from crying on the walk home, cuz the tears were right on the brink of pouring over my lashes. One of the Mom's I've seen around and have had a conversation or two with in the past, ended up beside me. She walked most of the way with me and started asking questions about whether or not I miss home. She had no idea how much. I smiled while talking, all the while I was crying on the inside. She told me she knows how hard it is to be away from home because she traveled for a few months in Africa when she was younger, and after 3 and a half weeks she was in tears and couldn't stop them from flowing. She went off her way, and then Brigitta was behind me. She asked how my day was. It doesn't sound very nice, but at this moment, I just wanted to lie under a tree by myself, no one around, and cry. We talked for a minute, and she asked why I was carrying 101 cookie cutters. I explained, and she told me she would drop them off on the doorstep so that I could go onto Jazzercise. I thanked her, and walked up the high street.

I saw my teacher as I approached the institute. She was walking towards me, clearly on a mission before class began. She saw me and said "Hey Stranger!" She asked how I'd been, and I explained why I wasn't there the week prior. She commented on how I've had some rough luck lately. She instantly made me smile. She's such a happy person, it really helps on days like this. When class began, as usual, all of my troubles disappeared. I wasn't nearly as flexible or in shape as I had been the last few classes, but I'm sure as I continue my routine this week and next, things will get better again. I was pretty sore after class, not sure why. I put my things on, and as I walked out the door, I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket. I had one new message. I clicked on it, and the smile I needed really came out. A friend had sent me a much needed picture, and I couldn't help but laugh at him. It was a great feeling. I couldn't stop myself from smiling the rest of the way home.

When I arrived, I brought the cookie cutters in, jumped in the shower, got dressed and got my bowl of fruit, some raisins, and a cup of green tea. I sat down to watch Glee. I really love that show. It's a feel good show, but today, I was almost blubbering. I don't know why the tears didn't pour out, but a single one made it's way onto a lash, and it certainly felt like if I wasn't careful...I'd start and wouldn't be able to stop. I don't know if it was fear of someone walking in or what, but I held them back. Again. Sometimes I really wish I wouldn't do that. It would probably be better for me emotionally if I just gave in. Anyway, that ended, and I still felt as though I need a good cry. I saw High School Musical 3 was on and I flicked over. It wasn't even a sad part and I felt it coming. MY GOD! I came upstairs and wrote a card to my brother, went down to make a mocha, spoke to my uncle on the phone, and now I'm back writing this. Still no tears. I'll make my lunch soon, then watch Desperate Housewives and do my makeup. Toni's picking me up later to go see "Valentine's Day"...I'm hoping that'll help my feelings out. It may actually end up making me feel worse haha, but I'm still looking forward to it. It's like in the movie last night, "Alice in Wonderland". One of the girls is talking to Alice and says she's 20 and isn't going to have her looks forever so she should take what she can get. To which I went OH SHIT! And Toni went OH NO!!! Haha...I guess the two of us are doomed.

Anyway, I'm sure if tonight's anything like last night I'll be much too tired to come online after the movie, so I thought I would write this now instead. I'll probably be back to a more regular type of routine on Wednesday. The hectic day. Great.

Good Night xx