Day 150

I was sitting here at around 7, thinking..."maybe I'll just let myself fall asleep. I'll set my alarm, and as I'm typing, I won't fight it...I'll just sleep. Who cares?" It wasn't until just now, 40 minutes later, that I realized I'm not even in my pyjamas. I wish I could say that this is just how my day ended. With my brain being shut off. But in actual fact, it's also how my day began.

I woke up sleepy...but sat right up. Then I thought to myself, "Oh, what's another 5 minutes? I'll sleep until 6:35!" By the time I reset my alarm, it was only 4 more minutes of sleep that I would get. I shut my eyes, and then thought, "this is ridiculous, why don't I just get up?" I rolled over and checked my e-mail. Once that was done, I forced myself to get out of bed and get ready. I could tell that Tim had left early, so I began stressing about getting down sooner. I tried to calm myself down because I knew there was tons of time. I always get downstairs with plenty of time to get the boys breakfast before heading out...and today, I was right on schedule. I knew it would be no different, but for some reason I still couldn't stop myself from trying to hurry. It didn't work though. I still left my room at the same time as every other day. And of course, when I got downstairs, there was no one there. The boys were still upstairs. I got my cereal (Yes, I caved and had a bowl...you'll be happy to know that it was soooo not worth it, and I don't think I'll be doing that again...) Anyway, I poured the boys usual cereal and got their drink cups ready while I waited for them. When they came down, we all ate and then because they had done their homework last night, we had time to draw. Zach came to sit on my lap, and I helped Nathaniel make a word search for the school paper. Josh was drawing his own thing. I came upstairs to do my teeth, and soon had Zach in my bathroom telling me all about the light houses and fish that decorate the room. Not long after that, toothbrush still in my mouth, I had 2 more little boys in my bathroom. I asked if it was a party. They just laughed. They hung out for the entire routine of me brushing my teeth...then they went downstairs. When I went back down we did a little more drawing, and then I asked them to get ready. Zach didn't like that, and he threw a pencil and kicked a chair. I asked him why he did it, and sat him down. He didn't really have an answer. I told him it's something he shouldn't do, and told him that I would draw with him after school but for now we had to go.

It had been snowing a little bit so that had a smile on my face, but for some reason I still felt uptight and like I wasn't getting anything done. We walked up to the school, but not very quickly. Zach was freezing, so I scooped him up and we picked up the pace. When we got to the school, although we had left on time, the bell rung. WHAT THE HECK? Josh went off to class, and so did Nathaniel. Zach and I walked to his, and he started asking me questions about the movie "Elf". He wanted to know how buddy made the snow. Some of the things that cross his mind at different times catch me off guard as they come right out of the blue. Anyway, his line started moving, and he went into the class. As I was leaving the playground, I looked up at the GIANT clock that's hanging on the outside of the school. Someone had made a comment on it, and I wanted to make sure I had heard right. Sure enough, I gazed up and saw that it was 1 minute to 9. I looked around. We weren't late. People were running in, and some were waiting at the locked doors. They are ringing the bell early! As if anyone needs added stress in their life, they're now expected to be IN THEIR CLASSES before 9 o'clock, not just in the playground. Insane!

I attempted to walk back from school. This is when the energy was sucked right out of me. It all of a sudden felt like I'd hit a wall. It took everything in me to make my feet take a step, one in front of the other, to make it home. I was so tired, and could hardly keep my eyes open. I had a little while before line dancing, so I came upstairs to my room to check my e-mails. When I sat on my bed, I didn't want to move. I contemplated going back to sleep. I couldn't believe the way I felt. Honestly, it was a feeling I'd never had before. I decided that I couldn't just not show up to line dancing, so I talked myself into it, promising I wouldn't walk up to class, but I'd take the car. Ridiculous! On such a nice, but cold day...I couldn't bring myself to walk 10 minutes. Oh well. I jumped in the car and drove up to the institute. I somehow got there early. Myself and another lady waited for our teacher, and when she arrived, we hurried into the warmth of the hall. The next 2 hours would be a complete mess.

I couldn't concentrate on anything! Even the dances I knew, had me tripping over my own feet. I tried to get myself to focus, but it wasn't working. When I had to turn right, I'd turn left...even though I knew I was supposed to be turning right. It was like my mind was speaking japanese and my feet couldn't understand. Luckily the teacher made A mistake as well...but just the one. I apologized (it just took me far too many times to type that properly) to her after class for being all over the place. She didn't seem to mind, and I explained that I didn't know what was going on with my brain. I at least felt a little more energized after class. I thought I'd go get my hair washed, come home, shower and then go to Starbucks. That didn't happen. I did drive up to the hairdressers, but here's where my stress turned into aggravation. I paid 14 dollars to have my hair washed. I could feel - before I paid - that she hadn't done it properly, as this one girl normally doesn't, yet I still gave her a 2 pound tip, thinking ah, it's fine. Well, when I got back to the car and looked in the mirror, I could see the conditioner that was still in my hair. I replayed our conversation in my mind. Her talking about how she didn't understand why I'd run out of hot water at Heloise's when trying to wash my hair myself. - MAYBE BECAUSE I WASH MY HAIR PROPERLY AND MAKE SURE ALL THE SOAP IS OUT! - I was so angry. I wished I could have not been myself just this once, and told her that no, it didn't feel like she was finished washing it. But instead, I drove home, and jumped in the shower to rewash it myself. Stupid.

While in the shower there were a number of things still running through my head. Everything I had to do, everything I had yet to do, all the things I didn't think I would have time to do. I was going crazy. I thought about how I'm headed for a nervous breakdown. Not something I want to happen, but accepting that it wouldn't be the most far fetched thing to happen to me right now.

I decided I certainly didn't have time to go to Starbucks. I had a few essay type things that I had to write out, and I thought I'd sit and do that, and then catch up on some TV...try to relax. Of course that didn't happen. The maximum character count I was allowed was 4,000 and I was something close to 300 over. It took me about an hour to fix it all up to get 3,999. Then I remembered I had to start making dinner before getting the boys, because it was Wednesday. My most dreaded day. This meant scratching the TV shows from my list. I went downstairs, and I made the sauce and the bacon for the spaghetti a la carbonara. By the time I was finished that, I had about 5 minutes to try and find my brain. I picked up my crosswords book and attempted some answers. Surprisingly enough, my mind showed up for a few. I looked up at the clock, and jumped in the car to get the boys.

They all came out of their classes pretty close to 3:20, and we got to the car as quickly as possible, me still stressing out. Luckily the boys wanted the music up loud. I thought it may help me keep my sanity. They had done nothing wrong, I just couldn't concentrate on anything so the less talking, the better. We arrived home and I cooked the pasta for Nathaniel. I tossed the sauce in with it, and then remembered the sauce was for 2. I was only going to give him some. I attempted to split it up again, and then decided to forget that idea. Did I really care if his pasta had extra sauce? To me, that meant it would taste better. I served him, and he had about 10 minutes to shovel it in. Coats and shoes on the other boys, a reminder to Nathaniel that he didn't have time to talk, he was only allowed to eat, and then once he was stuffed, we got him ready to brave the cold, and all headed to the car.

In all the chaos, it had been snowing. It looked beautiful, but I didn't really have time to stop and enjoy it. I was happy when I was the first footprint on the drive, but I had to ignore it and run to the car. The 3 of them piled in, I buckled Zach in and quickly dusted the snow off the windshield with the wipers. We were on our way. Windows went down to clear the snow so I could see out my mirrors, music was on, and I made it to the school. Josh and Zach stayed in the car while Nathaniel and I ran up to the Beaver hut down the path. I had to leave the car unlocked cuz Zach sets the alarm off. I wasn't happy about that. I don't like leaving them in there let alone with the doors unlocked. When we got to the hut...would you believe it?...We were early! We waited a minute and 2 other boys showed up. I told Nathaniel to try the door, and luckily it was open. I peered in the window and saw that the lady scout leader was there, and I went back to the car. When I arrived, Josh told me that the teenage boys across the street had run up to the car and banged on the window, scaring Zach after I had left with Nathaniel. I thought of giving them crap...but honestly what could I have said that would make a difference now? Feeling bad and wishing I had of locked the car so that the alarm would have scared the muppet that banged on the window, I drove home.

Finally in the house and about an hour to relax. Sort of. I had to make dinner for Josh before Nathaniel got home and the two of them headed off to rugby. Now, Josh doesn't eat pig...so he wouldn't have bacon in his pasta - obviously - I made some more pasta, some more sauce, and some more bacon for Zach, Heloise and I, and as I was finishing up, Heloise came in the door. She made a salad, and I fried some mushrooms for Josh to throw in the pasta instead. I finally had a chance to sit down. Pasta has never tasted so good! I wasn't sure what to expect when I took the first bite, but it was so nice to be able to calm down a bit, that I really enjoyed it.

Helosie went to pick Nathaniel up, and after eating quite a bit of his dinner, Zach was stuffed. I was ok with this because he had tried his best to eat what was on his plate, and it wasn't that he didn't like it, he was just too full. I began to winge, thinking he was going to get in trouble, but I explained why it was ok that he wasn't finishing, and he asked if he could sit on my lap. We cuddled for a bit and spoke to Josh, and then I got up to get their fruit. Heloise and Nathaniel came in, and Nathaniel had decided he wasn't going to rugby. I had told the other 2 that I would make them hot chocolate, so I asked if he wanted one as well. When he said yes, I came up to get the ingredients that I have stashed in my room. I also wanted to send my Mom a quick e-mail, as it was 5:59 and I expected to be speaking to her at 6, saying that I would be on after making the hot chocolate. She was already online though and told me she was on her way out but had 15 minutes before she had to leave. That wasn't going to work, because Josh wanted a hot chocolate before he left. I went downstairs, and it turned out he didn't have time for one anyway. I told him I'd leave the flavour he liked down there so that he could make one, or have his mom make him one, when he got home. I made the other 2 theirs, and made myself a mocha with the Dreamtime powder. Probably not the best idea when you have so much to do and are already exhausted. I cleaned the kitchen up, and brought my mocha upstairs. That's when I felt like I was going to fall asleep as I typed, and that's pretty much when I started typing this blog. Now instead of catching up on TV, I think I'm going to give into my instincts and fall into a deep, heavy, long sleep. I will have to catch up on Lost, Desperate Housewives and American Idol tomorrow, and over the weekend. Before my head explodes, I'm going to say Good Night xx